Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Just Not Cricket!

Tasty IPA  beers in Spain make me happy. Sad
pervy inadequates on Calblanque beaches do not.
Calblanque Regional Park is an area of outstanding natural beauty which just happens to be pretty much on my doorstep. The park boasts stunning landscapes and a wonderful array of unspoilt coves and beaches. The area is of "high ecological and naturalistic interest....with interesting plant communities and a remarkable wildlife value, as well as diverse ecosystems". Read that carefully. It says "naturalistic", not "naturistic". But somewhere along the line someone decided that the beaches also present a "wonderful opportunity to doff off, get your todger out and march around like a bit of a dick". Hmmm. I mean, it's just not cricket is it?

Now, I may be a Brit - stiff upper lip and all that - but I have no particular problem with naturism. I know that some of the Calblanque beaches attract nude sunbathers and it doesn't take a great deal of effort or initiative to find your own space, away from the often middle-aged, flabby enthusiasts and closer to those more inclined to keep their pads on and private bits private. In fact, even without current social distancing considerations, it is perfectly possible to locate a suitable position in the outfield on a Calblanque beach, well away from the inner ring, with sufficient distance  to warrant a good pair of binoculars if you really, really want to be offended. So, what exactly is my beef (perhaps not the best expression)? Well, I'll tell you........it's the sad, weirdy-beardy inadequates that make a point of marching up and down the full length of the beach, wearing nothing but a hat, a pair of sandals and a rucksack, making sure that you don't miss out on their tiny set of bales. 

I remember a saying from many years ago that "nude women look better with clothes on". I will leave it up to the reader to determine whether or not they agree with this statement but I will add just two things. One; it is only ever men that feel the need to march naked up and down those beaches occupied by the more circumspect amongst us and two; nude men absolutely definitely look better with clothes on.

On one particular day last week, we were treated to four Dick Dastardlys in two hours. Dick no.1 was mid-60's, beard/hat/sandals/rucksack and he even said "hola" to us as he passed, turning slightly towards us as he did so thus ensuring that there was no chance we would miss the show. Dick's nos. 2 and 3 were marching on together (to Leeds perhaps?), a generation younger than Dick no.1, both a little hunched in stature but with the obligatory beard/hat/sandals/rucksacks and, to be fair, looking a bit like your typical real ale geeks (maybe they can't be all bad?) shuffling past us looking a bit sheepish whilst pretending unconvincingly that this was the most natural thing in the world for them to be doing. Dick no.4 was (for I have named him) Herman who was early 60's (?); most disturbingly not only did Herman have no beard on his face but Herman had no beard anywhere else. There it was, Herman's bat swinging freely, unencumbered. It was very off-putting I can tell you.  Surprisingly, Herman then abandoned the beach, clambering up the rocks to then continue his mission, still swinging, on one of the marked Calblanque trails. One can only hope that a dog walker with a hungry pooch was somewhere close-by. We actually saw Herman a few days later, walking along the beach........fully clothed. Maybe he doesn't like dogs? I would bet my mortgage that he doesn't like cricket.

Whilst googling Calblanque, I came across a review of one of the Calblanque beaches on a "nakation" website which, it transpires (it took me a few seconds), means naked vacation. Perhaps an enthusiastic advocate of beach nakedness might take a different view on such matters? "The beach was gorgeous........however stay clear of the cove to the right of this beach........it was here that I saw two men having sex and then got wanked at by a lone male. Honestly, what is it with some people!"

It isn't just me then. My faith in naturists in general is restored. Your genuine naturist likes to doff off and sunbathe. And that's it. Some of 'em might even like cricket. It is the sad little pervy inadequates who like to show off that give the genuine naturists a bad name.

So then Dick's 1,2,3 and 4. We all agree. You really are sad little full tossers. And the next time you want to take a beach hike, put on your budgie smugglers. That way, we'll still all know that you're inadequate saddo's but at least you can shove your socks down the front to pretend you've got something worth showing off down there. Remember, there are Brits out there and we don't want to see your middle wicket. Remember too that we play cricket. And with a suitable batting implement to hand one of us might just treat you to an aggressive cover drive. Be warned.

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